It was a miserable day in Saffron Walden as the mighty First XI rocked up, buzzing with excitement to finally get the season underway (little did we know what disaster was about to unfold).

Everyone was in the changing room ready for the meet… well, everyone except half the team, who decided to show up 15 minutes late thanks to “silly traffic.” Once we were finally all together, we sat down to discuss tactics and get prepped for battle. Spirits were high.
Out we went for a little warm-up jog as a team. At this point, I may or may not have got myself lost — one of the many reasons I ended up writing this report. With that embarrassment out of the way, it was time to kick off the season.

Ten seconds into the game, Fin was already moaning (standard). After just ten minutes, Saffron Walden slotted home their first. Then came their second. Then their third. Somehow, we staggered to half-time only 3–0 down, still trying to stay positive (except Joe, who had a major head-loss).

We came out for the second half determined to turn things around — and for a brief, shining moment, we almost did. Two minutes in, Suett had the chance of a lifetime to bring us back into it… but of course he turned it down. Open-play goals just aren’t his thing; he only scores from short corners. Naturally, the chance went begging.

Almost immediately, Walden punished us: 4–0. Then 5. Then 6. But then — glory! We SCORED. A classic Suett drag-flick from a short corner into the bottom corner. Standard procedure. At 6–1, we allowed ourselves to dream again.
Sadly, reality struck: 7–1, then 8–1. With twenty minutes still to play, we had no idea what was left to do except keep going.

Then, in the final five minutes, redemption! I (yes, me) grabbed a goal — an “ok” finish into the bottom corner. But here’s the best part: we’d agreed next goal wins. Which means, technically, we basically won.

And that’s the story of our glorious “victory” at Saffron Walden.

Thanks for reading — I’ve been your host,
Mikey Bird