“A restructuring of an organisation is always a difficult and delicate time.” - Toto Wolff

The sun was getting low in the sky as the team gathered at the pitch in drips and drabs, the skipper almost the last to arrive having gone through strenuous negotiations in order to get his shorts back from the 1s who were holding them to ransom around the waist of Samuel. We were bolstered this week by the addition of an extra set of young legs in the form of Josh Joyce who was determined to showcase his own brand of talented, emotionless hockey - something we needed after the two cards last week. We were confident that with Josh on our team, discipline wouldn’t be an issue. We were also buoyed by the appearance of Dunnage whose journey down the teams in recent weeks could only benefit us.

Today's opposition were Southend, a team well known for their impeccable sense of aesthetics - so much so that they can't even bring themselves to play their home games in Southend.

After the obligatory stretches and Deep Heat, the teams took to the pitch - Wiseman between the posts; Slap, Kev and Daren in defence; Josh, Connor, Mr. Awesome, Joe and Terry as the midfield powerhouse; Glen and Dunnage waiting to pounce up front with Ross and Dan warming the bench alongside the tactical nous of Eddie and Samuel as timekeeper/advisors.

The game began and Witham immediately began piling on the pressure with some confident passing and penetrating runs up the wings, all we were missing was a decisive finish, even Terry had a chance at the far post.

Inevitably, however, the Southend defence gave away several short corners and the soon-to-be-grandad Will slotted the ball into the net. Southend kept trying to push forward, their Temu version of Slap moving up from defence to hit the ball through, but these attacks were consistently snuffed out by Josh and the defence.

Witham continued driving forward, threading passes through the team in blue but just not being able to convert the many chances that were coming. During this passage of play, Terry (rather predictably) slipped over; this prompted a conversation much later about the grip on his astros - Will was convinced that he needed better footwear whilst the rest of us are fairly sure that it’s the person in the shoes that’s the issue.

The half finished 1-0 to Witham, but could easily have been many more. During the break, we were deprived of our usual motivation due to the fact that Widdle was umpiring and had to remain impartial, however Ross did his best, telling us all that we’d missed opportunities to score, shocking the defence who hadn’t realised that they’d been anywhere near the Southend D.

The second half began with more Witham pressure on the Southend team. Glen tried to get a piggyback from one unsuspecting defender and Kev ensured the defence was solid by simply pushing over a thirteen-year-old. The yellow army continued to pass and run well with the ball and soon won another short corner which was fired home by Connor.

Meanwhile, on the sideline, Eddie had found Kieran’s discarded magnetic coaching pad and the glimmer of an idea was forming. Eddie liked the idea, it was good, it would work - just maybe not with Witham 5s as the guinea pigs. Using the visual aid, he persuaded Ross that a change of formation was needed and that, with our two goal cushion, we could attack harder. With that, a new 3-4-3 formation was “communicated” to the team; and no-one really knew who the midfield were anymore, especially the defence who suddenly became an awful lot busier. Once we’d finally sorted out who was supposed to be where and why, the final goal was forthcoming at last, Dunnage slotting the ball into the goal on the stroke of the final whistle.

3-0 to Witham and a good, strong team performance reflected by the seven different candidates for Man of the Match. Connor was the eventual winner for a commanding performance in the middle. Skipper Ross had to break a Dick of the Day tie to finally award the inflatable chicken to Glen for trying to mount a member of the opposition.